Level 1: No Dating (till marriage)
The Argument
God has somebody perfect in mind for you, and you will recognize that person when you meet them. Until God brings you that person, you’re not going to date at all. You’re just going to live for yourself and for God until you meet the person you recognize as your soulmate. Afterall, why date at all if you know they’re not the one for you? Why mess with it? Dating before meeting your soulmate will only tempt, distract, and dilute you. You can be friends with members of the opposite sex, but nothing more than that until you’re ready to marry somebody.
The People
People who choose this path are often extremely driven and deeply in touch with their faith. They don’t have a choice but to be driven and faithful, because their whole young life is just them and God. I’ve seen some stellar people choose this path. It’s also the most rare because it’s the hardest. It’s the biggest gamble. They are putting all of their chips on God, even moreso than others who are waiting till marriage but still allowing themselves to date.
Advantages:
- Forces you to focus on self-discovery and mastery of your own gifts
- Helps you appreciate people of both sexes as friends and confidants (e.g., you can speak openly and honestly with the opposite sex without fear of jeopardizing romantic interest because you’re just in it for the friendship)
- You can move really fast towards your goals with no relationship drama holding you back
- Strengthens your relationship with God (because this approach requires so much faith)
Disadvantages:
- Loneliness
- Feeling unseen
- Bottled up emotions – No physical intimacy or expression of romantic affection
- The instant your faith slips, all the doubts come pouring in
- No relationship-inspired growth (i.e., growth that comes out of being in a romantic relationship)
Common Objections
- How are you supposed to know that you want to marry somebody if you don’t date them first?
Common Rebuttals
- Do you need to be physical with somebody to know that you love them entirely?
Example: The Christian rock band Barlow Girl is famous for embracing the “no dating” approach. Check out some of their interviews. Inspiring stuff.
Level 2: Holding Hands & Kissing Only
The Argument
It’s OK to date and be romantically interested in members of the opposite sex. And when you like somebody, it’s nice to be able to express that feeling with physical affection. This approach allows you to date, have steady boyfriends/girlfriends, and express your affection for them in sweet but safe (and Christian) ways. Anything beyond holding hands/kissing is going to be too tempting and violate your pact to be abstinent.
The People
Like those that choose the “No Dating” method, people in this category can be driven and deeply spiritual. They best of them can maintain a balance. They can keep one foot planted in their own personal goals and ambitions, while keeping up a pleasant romantic relationship and not wanting too much more. They keep up their faith and they keep their attention divided so that they don’t feel too frustrated about not being able to dive fully into their romantic relationship. They maintain their innocence and that helps them not cross the line.
“Holding Hands & Kissing Only” people can often find themselves conflicted about what is OK and what is not in their romantic relationships. For example, kissing is OK, but what about kissing that goes on so long that it starts becoming a make-out session? The name of the game for people in this group is avoiding situations that will tempt them (e.g., being alone with their boyfriend/girlfriend in their room).
Advantages
- Romantic expression and experimentation (learning your preferences)
- Dating drama (some of it can be enjoyable)
- You get to feel seen and appreciated by the opposite sex
- Some minor physical intimacy
- Focus on the “friendship side” of being in a relationship (e.g., conversational intimacy)
- Limits you to relationships with others who share your sexual virtues (typically, other Christians)
Disadvantages
- Temptation
- Romantic ties with basically no physical intimacy
- Frustration
- Limits you to relationships with others who share your sexual virtues (typically, other Christians)
Example: Many devoutly Christian girls (particularly younger girls) in churches and youth groups across America.
Level 3: The “Everything But” method
The Argument
Everything but intercourse is allowed (oral sex, etc.). Creativity is encouraged to keep things fun and interesting over a long-term relationship without crossing the line (having sex). You can be waiting till marriage and still be sexual. The other methods (No Dating, Holding Hands/Kissing Only) are admirable and you applaud those that can maintain them, but they’re not for you. You’re not that hard-core. You need some physical intimacy in a relationship. This allows you to experience relatively full romantic relationships (complete with a decent amount of physical intimacy) while still saving that one big thing for the love of your life to share only with each other.
The People
Note: I’m excluding people who are actually in the Holding Hands/Kissing Only category but occassionally slip into the “everything but” category.
Those who use the “everything but” method to wait until marriage are often islands, meaning that they can survive on their own apart from Christian communities. Because some level of sexual activity is on the table, it opens them up to relationships with people who aren’t waiting till marriage but are willing to wait for them (since they still get sexual release it’s not as hard to exclude that one thing).
Being an island isn’t always a good thing. Sometimes you can have your cake and eat it too, but sometimes that’s conflicting. People using this method often run into value conflicts with the people they get into relationships with. The only good match is another “everthing but” person, and that’s hard to find in the circles that these people typically run. Plus, being an island out their in the largely not-devoutly-faithful world can cause problems of it own…it can dilute your faith.
Advantages
- Physical intimacy & sexual expression
- Still keeps a focus on looking for marriage
- Allows you to experiment fully with dating without going all the way
- Opens you up to dating relationships with a wider variety of people (i.e., non-religious, non-WTM people)
- Relationships get an even greater chance to play out to their fullest
Disadvantages
- All of the pressure of waiting till marriage, without the self-focus that will help get you to marriage
- Extremely error-prone (e.g., you accidentally “slip” and have sex).
- Relationships can distract you from your personal goals almost as much as they distract non-waiting people
- Just-for-comfort relationships
- Many consider it “cheating” as far as abstinence goes
- Engaging in relationships with non-religious, non-WTM people can be frustrating and counter-productive. It’s often easier to find what you’re really looking for at church (or whatever), since that’s where you go.
- We are not meant to walk in both worlds. You can’t be bar-hopping and complaining that you can’t find a nice Christian guy/gal who’s waiting till marriage.
Examples: Most couples who wait-until-marriage and then get into a long-term relationship in their early-to-mid 20′s end up falling into this category out of shear desire for physical intimacy. I guess by you’re 20′s you’ve usually secured the willpower to not cross the line. Those relationships, though they can last years, don’t always go till marriage though…they can end, even after many years. Just FYI.
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