Most parents get stuck on this dilemma: How do I make them do what I say, and not what I did when I was their age? Parents had their youth. They had their teenage sex and their pot smoking and all the trouble. Then they grew up, had kids, and suddenly got serious about morals and values.
But here’s the problem: You can tell your kids what you think they should do, but ultimately what you did is going to show through. You cannot escape the decisions of your own past and how they shaped your personality. It is that personality —and every decision attached to it — that’s going to rub off on your kids whether you like it or not.
The mom who sleeps around in her youth, then as an adult sticks her kids in church and espouses the virtues of waiting till marriage will most likely end up with one of those church kids who has sex in the bathroom in between youth group sessions (i.e., a holier-than-thou hypocrite that every rational kid hates).
Plus, if you’re trying to tell your child not to do something, they can instantly destroy the credibility of your point with this question: What did you do when you were my age?
What kind of answers will you have when your kids start asking those questions? What will rub off on your kids as far as relationships and sex goes?
If you wait until marriage to have sex, and you focus on having an obviously great relationship with your husband/wife, you will have a lot of solid ground to stand on when your kids start approaching that age. You want to be able to say “I saved everything for your father/mother. That’s partially why we still have such a great relationship, and why all of your friends’ parents are divorced.”
But again, it won’t matter much what you say. It’s what you did that will rub off. And in your case that will work in your favor.
A True-Story Example of America
My friend of friend’s parents, who we’ll call BOB and SUSIE, grew up in a small, highly-religious community (we’re talking near-Amish, from what I understand). When Bob and Susie fell in love and decided to get married, they had to follow the traditions of the town before their marriage could be condoned. First, they had to spend a year apart from each other without any communication whatsoever.
When they reunited a year later, they had to re-assess whether they still wanted to get married. They did. Then they had to stand naked in front of each other, to make sure they were physically OK with what they were getting into. They were. Then they were allowed to marry.
This was waiting-till-marriage to the extreme. Today, thirty years later, they’re one of the closest married couples I’ve ever known. Everything they do is as a team. And they seem to still have so much love for each other.
They are very calm, rational people. I’m close with their son, and there are no stories about them being over-bearing about religious behavior or anything like that. Looking at them, you’d never know that they had such structured religious upbringing.
Now, their kids: two girls and a boy. Both of the girls waited until marriage, and are two of the sweetest, most beautiful girls I have ever met. They are the kind of people that it’s impossiblenot to like because they are so unrelentingly kind-natured and caring. As smart, beautiful, and successful as each of the daughters are…they are also very, very good people.
The son didn’t wait till marriage. He rebelled for a little bit, as oldest sons often do. But you can still see those tight family values in him. He ended up marrying a girl who was waiting till marriage (he waited with her for six years while they dated). He worked harder at that relationship than I’ve ever seen somebody in their 20′s work at anything.
So you can see how having parents who waited can positively affect the relationships that their kids have throughout their life.
When you wait until marriage, you will pass your preference for committed, meaningful relationships on to your kids, and that’s a very wonderful gift to give them.
